Ebb and Flow

This past week has been a week off. But don't worry, friends, that doesn't mean that it's been a boring week. On the contrary, I have quite a bit to talk about in today's installment. Hunker down ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. There are many fun and exciting stories to tell if you care to listen in.

The week's events have been like one big carousel that always stops at my ICS huge, enterprise-level website project that I've been working on. It's seriously a beast. I dunno how we're gonna get this done. I dunno how, but we are. I'm gonna get tons of shit done tomorrow for it so that all I've gotta do next week is testing and CSS work, and then all of us together will build the main servlet for the backend. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, all we need to do now is get there.

I know that all flew over most of your heads, but it's been a quintessential part of my life for the last several weeks now, so . . . it goes in my blog. Tough noogies.

Another stop on this whacked-out ride is the constant pain in my left foot. I . . . really don't even know how it started. Tuesday night my left big toe just started hurting. It felt like a cramp, so I assumed that's just what it was. A cramp. A boring, happens-all-the-time cramp. I went to bed and the next day it was still bothering me. It wasn't so much the toe as it was the underside of the knuckle of it, like right on the side of it toward the inside of the foot. It hurt so much I couldn't walk on the area. My friend Jane figured that it was probably a good idea to get it looked at if I had trouble walking on it, so she kindly offered to drive me to the La Trobe Medical Center.

The doctor looked at it and he deduced that it was probably a bruised nerve in the metatarsals, or maybe a swollen piece of bone. Either way, the diagnosis was metatarsalgia. The prognosis? Keep off it. It'll go away. Well, gee, thanks Doc, that was $50 well spent. I probably would've ran on the treadmill for an hour if you hadn't told me that. Something tells me it's gonna take awhile to heal because, well . . . I've gotta walk around. Now I've got a limp, and it's funny cuz I can't limp around without reminding myself of House.

Speaking of which, this week's episode was stellar. It's been awhile since the real humor of that show has been brought to bare, and it was firing on all cylinders. I love how the writers know to use all that humor as a way to break down the audience's defenses so that the touching moments in the story don't have to be over-the-top to be effective, like the one at the end. If you've seen the episode, you'll know what I mean.

While the limp has hindered my mobility slightly, I have not let it hinder my headlong pursuit of Grace. Thanks goodness because, even with a slight setback on Thursday (I'll get to that), I feel like this could really be going somewhere.

Before I really get into the goings on between us this week, I'd like to take a moment or two to wax emotional. Ok, I've had crushes before, but I haven't been this seriously hooked on a girl since high school. She's just *really* cool. Everyone I talk to always says the nicest things about her, she's beautiful, smart, motivated, and most importantly . . . I think she sees me for me, and actually likes that I'm a nice guy. I just can't get the girl out of my head you know? It's at the point where if this doesn't happen . . . yeah, it's gonna suck. But not at the point where it'll suck so much that'll it'll take days out of my life. Everyone I've talked to about this (that being limited to Jane, Sarah, Emma and James) also seems to think that we'd make a good couple. Decide for yourself:
Even I have to agree . . . that's the kind of picture one could put on your mantelpiece or in your office.

Anyway, so, last weekend, before she and almost everyone else who lives on campus took off for mom and dad's we were talking about when we met at the Intercollege night and how it sucked that the only picture we had together featured Rowie giving me bunny ears. She said that we'd definitely have other chances to get a better picture. I figured this was kind of hinting at the same fact that I was hinting at: that I wanted to hang out again. Out of nowhere she mentioned that she was coming back to campus to work her shift at the library on Thursday and that we could hang out. This was looking better all the time.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I was chatting in main chat . . . when all the sudden she starts chatting there, too. I PMed her, bewildered. Turns out she decided to come back a day early because she was bored at her parents place. Later on that night a group of us got together to go out and get some groceries and some beer and stuff. It was Harsh, Sarah, Ashy, Grace, and I. Now, I had some inklings that maybe Grace liked me. So I was paying very close attention to what she did and said.

So let's start keeping score, shall we? Sarah and Grace come over from Glenn in Sarah's car. Sarah is in the driver's seat . . . Grace is in the back. This is pretty strange, but, as usual, I get the bitch seat, so I'm sitting right up next to her. Could she have planned it that way? Maybe. More than likely wishful thinking, but to early to say either way. Either way, I'm sitting about as close as one can sit to a person and during the drive over I make her laugh and giggle several times. I'll count these all as positives.

We get to the supermarket and all pile out of the car like clowns. I limp along and Grace stays right there by my side. She knows Ashy and Grace, but only met me once. I figured that I would've had to go over to her, but no. We walked from one closed grocery store to another open grocery store, and all the while she just stayed right there with me, walking side by side, talking and laughing and getting to know each other. I count this is a big positive.

The next thing I pick up on is much more subtle. We walked in to the supermarket. All Grace and Sarah were there for was alcohol. I was there for a few non-alcoholic items. These involved us going in separate directions. Now, everyone knows this little hard-to-describe moment. It's that moment when you're talking to someone you want to stay close to and keep talking to, and they have to break off suddenly and go somewhere else. And it catches you offguard. But you don't want to be caught offguard, so you overcompensate for it. You know what I'm talking about, I know you do; we've all done it. Well, she pulled that little double-take as I broke off to go get groceries. This is another positive.

On the way back we're in the backseat. Grace volunteers for the middle this time, and I'm on her left and Harsh is on her right. Harsh, Grace, and I are all little enough to sit fairly comfortably. However, I notice that you could fit a whole arm between Harsh and Grace, yet Grace is sitting so close to me her elbow is more or less in my lap. Whether a conscious act or not, it's a good sign. Another positive.

We all got back to Chisholm and decide to go up to tower one where Harsh lives, and Ashy more or less has adopted it as a home, so we'll say it's where she lives, too. I had plans to work hard on my ICS assignment tonight because I thought I'd be spending the evening hanging out with Grace the next night. So I make it known I'm thinking about heading out. Protests all around. Grace not the least of which. She wants me to stay awhile. I count this as another positive.

The final one is something that is also very subtle. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom. I came back, and Harsh is sitting where I was, as the table has shuffled a bit. Now, on the bench, there's an empty seat at the end, Harsh, and Grace. The empty seat is the obvious choice to sit, but Grace slides over a bit anyway to make room. I didn't wanna seem ridiculously obvious about liking her, so I thanked her and just sat in the obvious place. But this is another positive.

So that's no less than 7 positive signs in one night. That ain't half bad. At this point, I think it's pretty clear that we're more-or-less keen on each other. But I want this to happen naturally. We're still feeling the situation out. But here's the kicker: we're still on for tomorrow night. Even better, Ashy, Sarah, and I are gonna go bug Grace at work, walk her back, and then we'd all hang out and have a quiet little drinking party. PERFECT. A spark or two flew on Wednesday, then on Thursday I'd strike while the iron was hot, so to speak, and it would have been the PERFECT opportunity to let the deal seal itself naturally, with both of us on the same page. Or at the very least get a lot closer to that goal.

Then Ashy had to fuck it all up.

This girl . . . I just don't like her anymore. She's just an attention whore. No, she's just a whore. Or at the very least a sex addict. In any case, she decided it'd be a good idea to use her MSN name to broadcast to the world how much sex she wasn't getting. It started "4 days". And then she'd continue to count up. Like, 4 fuckin' days without sex was the absolute end of the world, and each day afterward the MSN message would unveil a new level of agony about not getting laid that day. It's repulsive. Desperation is a foul-smelling perfume. I'm reading this and, just as I delete her from my MSN out of pure disgust (because I simply don't wanna read that shit anymore), I think to myself: "And I messed around with this girl?!? What the FUCK was I thinking?"

Case in point, as I write this, she posts this in main chat:

[04:54] lahdidah
[04:54] s
[04:54] e
[04:54] x

Any questions?

You're probably wondering to yourself how Ashy managed to sabotage this for me. Sarah, Ashy, and I are sitting in Sarah's Glenn flat at about 9 at night. Downstairs are 5 guys I don't really know playing poker. Apparently, one of these guys is the latest guy that Ashy wants to fuck. I know this because Sarah keeps teasing her about it. Anyway, so, at about 9:30 we go to the library. We bump into Grace and embarrass her a little, then wait outside like good little soldiers for her to get off work so we can all follow the Yellow Brick Road home.

Ashy is complaining about her stomach being full of alcohol, meanwhile. As if that's anything new. Catching Ashy sober is like catching George W. Bush being eloquent. She's a tank, though, and she'll pull through.

Up until getting back to Glenn, things are going great. Grace looks beautiful, as usual. She's walking close to me. She notices my limp is still there and asks about it. Showing concern is always a good sign. Not that I was really trying for the sympathy vote but . . . hey, if you got it, flaunt it, right? Grace heads back to her flat to change and stuff after work, and we tell her to meet us at Sarah's in a bit and we'll hang out and drink lightly and just have some casual fun. Ashy starts cutting up cheese and tomatoes and laying out crackers on plates. And I think it's nice. That's a cool thing to do - good for you Ashy. It'll make things cozy, and that's always nice when hanging out with close friends, the desire of one or more of them to be more than that notwithstanding.

Here's where Ashy fucks up my night. She grabs this stuff, and then announces that we're going downstairs. She doesn't ask us our opinion of this. She doesn't bother waiting for the guest we just invited over. Hell, she doesn't even bother to ask the guys if they want people interrupting their poker game. But that doesn't matter. Ashy's got an agenda (or, more appropriately, a libido), and she's in charge.

So I begrudgingly follow behind Sarah, who follows Ashy, who no doubt follows the scent of fresh prey, and we unceremoniously barge in on the poker game. Doogie, the only guy I know and have only met very briefly, once, looks less than amused. The other 4 default to indifference because we came with food.

Here's why I have a problem with this scenario, other than the inherent rudeness. I am already a little more tipsy than I'd like to be. That's my own fault, I mixed my own drinks a tad too strong. But now, I'm uncomfortable. I'm around people I don't know. I'm in a place I don't want to be in. I don't even have a fucking chair to sit in. I have to find some comfortable way to sit on the ground without putting any real weight on my foot. And I'm pissed off at Ashy. A long story short: I'm not in my element. This is no way to wax romantic. I'm also uncomfortable because, while I know Grace isn't interested in her in the slightest, Doogie is sure to hit on her.

Basically, this is the situation where one starts to panic about things not going right, and tends to overcompensate as a result. I just felt all my cool and confidence draining out of me. I won't walk through any more details because there's really nothing left to say. Other than a good picture, nothing happened. The flame of the night before was allowed to dwindle, but hopefully not die. Although she did offer a hug when I left.

I'd really like that to be the end of the story, but it's not. After we all go to our respective homes, Ashy PMs me in main chat on DC. She's kinda drunk, kinda lonely. She wants to come over. Now I . . . I have no doubt in my mind about where she's going with this. But I let her come over anyway. Why? I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to see if I was right, give her a chance to exonerate herself of the slut label. Maybe I wanted to see how my willpower would hold up. I don't know. And it doesn't matter, either way, she came over.

It started much like the last time. Lots and lots of hugs. Long, elaborate ones. I simply stood there and tolerated it. I didn't offer the hugs, I just hugged in return. Then she sits me down and gives me a massage. I hate to say it . . . but fuck was that a good massage. Seriously, she could've just sat there and did that all evening. And that's the mindset she wanted me in. Because shortly after that . . . she started making out with me. At first . . . I went with it. Hey, it's been six months since anyone's even touched me - I'm allowed to enjoy the attention no matter who it's from or why I'm getting it, even if only for a moment or two.

You'll be happy to know I did slowly come to my senses and handled the situation very diplomatically. I very slowly just stopped returning her advances until she got the hint to go. And I sent her packing. No more was said of it, nor do I think any more will ever be said of it. It would have been so easy just to throw all cares out the window and just say . . . to hell with it. But I didn't. Adult life isn't about the easy path. Nothing meaningful ever comes with ease. The struggle is what gives meaning. And I wasn't willing to do this without meaning. Never mind the fact that she's the one who ruined a night with someone I've struggled for.

The good part, though, is that I already know that how much Grace likes me could be a moot point. I'm leaving in 2 months. It may simply be that Grace isn't willing to get involved in a relationship that has an expiration date. Neither am I, really. But she's worth the try. You never know what can happen in two months. You just never know.

But even without her . . . there's still hope. I have a lot of friends here who all say that not only them, but the people they know that I've met in passing all think I'm awesome. They loved meeting me and they talk fondly of me. That's a really good feeling. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Jane, Sarah, Trevor . . . James and Emma . . . Richie . . . you guys are fucking awesome. Seriously, you people in particular have a way of always making me feel like family.

And it's because of these people that I realize I have other choices. Here, I'll give you an example. Here's a picture that was taken on Intercollege night (and is really funny). That tall drink of water, drunkenly pulling a drunken me right into her breast . . . is Rose. Clearly, she's very attractive. She's a really free-spirited girl. Pretty much the exact kind of girl who has no interest in me whatsoever. Ever. I met her when I was hanging out with Jane on that weekend before I went with her to that pub music night. The best part is she has a great sense of humor, so she probably found this picture funnier than almost anyone else. I remember talking to Jane about it and how Trevor said that I should find out if Rose is single. Turns out she is, but, as I told Jane, a girl like her wouldn't be interested in me. Jane told me that I should be so sure . . . it was indeed very possible that she could be.

And then, on top of that, it seems another of Sarah's friends, a blonde girl named Jak, has taken a liking to me. On Thursday she called Sarah and the phone was passed around, and she asked to speak to me, and we talked a bit. And she randomly mentioned that I was "such a great guy". I'm not really saying all of this to toot my own horn. I'm saying all this as a way to convince myself that I really am a special person. And that it's ok to learn to love myself as I am.

It's also a way to help me relax about the situation with Grace. I tend to let myself get uptight about stuff like that - the waiting drives me nuts. But if I want any shot at this going well, I need to stay cool, calm, and collected. I need to firmly believe what will be will be, and that if I don't get her, there are other fish in the sea that are also great catches, and are able to be caught.

At the very least, perhaps this . . . whatever it is, will bleed over when I get back into America. Maybe . . . just maybe . . .

Aussie Doozy of the Day:
Their word for 'dinner' is 'tea' . . . which I think is just silly. First of all, almost no one drinks tea during it, and you can certainly 'have tea' and not mean eating in the slightest. Nevermind that tea time is traditionally in the early afternoon as an after lunch snack.